So many feelings coming up today… I have been struggling with overeating for years. Managed to lose 15 kg about 10 years ago and have been using the last 5 years to gain and lose and gain it back, at least 10 kg of it. When I gain weight I am filled with shame, shame of not being able to control this urge that I see as weakness. I am filled with shame because the fat is a way for other people to see that I am weak and unable to control myself. They can see my lack of control, and how greedy I am and how much I must eat. They can see I am to indulgent, that I have no to say no to myself. They can see how lazy I am for not just jogging it off again. It is humiliating to not be able to do this, to not be able to control myself. So I feel deeply ashamed of myself, and then also anger at myself for being so weak!

Right now I am in one of those stages where I gain weight. I eat and eat, especially during the evening and night, watching HBO, stuffing my face. It feels good to eat, most of the time, and every night I decide that tomorrow I will diet, go on a fast, or just stop eating so much… and every day I continue stuffing my face.

I suddenly came to this understanding today: I have been trying to deny this part of me existence. I have been trying to get rid of the girl who over eats. I have been trying to shame her into submission. I have been trying to ignore her and make her stay in the shadows. I don’t want her to be a part of me, because being fat or chubby (I am only slightly chubby by European standards) is public shaming. It is a vice that people can see, everywhere I go my fat thighs show people that I have no restraint, that I am unable to control even myself. Everyone can see how weak I am. This shame is deeply painful. So I have been trying to deny the existence of this part of me that eats so much that I gain weight. I have refused to accept her, because I label her as wrong. I don’t want her to be a part of me, I don’t want to be wrong, weak and unable to control myself.

The more I try to ignore her, the more she insists she is here. The more I try to control myself, the more I eat. I am trying to accept her, but I am so afraid of becoming bigger! I see it happening despite ignoring her, and I don’t know if I can ever find a way to accept her. But I know I have to. I can’t make a part of me go away by not accepting it. This goes against everything I have learned this past year. Resisting makes the issue stick around. The only way to move on is to accept. I have to accept this part of me, not to make it go away, but truly accept it as a part of who I am being right now. I might change sooner or later, but right now she is a part of me. Ignoring her is not going to make her go away. So I have to accept her, and it is soooo hard! I have been fighting her for at least 15 years, and I am so sick of it! At the same time I am so afraid that accepting her will make it impossible to get rid of her… I don’t want to accept this part of me, I just want it to go away!

I think back to when I hated the part of me that said stupid things… it was so limiting in social events, hanging out with friends or going to parties, even just going to the store. I thought it was a horrible part of me that had to change. Somewhere along the line I was able to accept that part of me. Now I don’t ever feel like I say the wrong thing anymore.. I just don’t care. If people don’t like what I say it is their problem. So how do I use this approach now with my eating habit? To see it as not wrong, first of all. To accept it as okay. But I am so afraid of seeing it as okay, because then how will I be able to stop? And the point of seeing it as okay is that I don’t require myself to stop, as it is all good, but then what if I just continue gaining weight? I don’t want that! And the more I eat the worse it is to lose it again…

I also have this recurring theme nowadays where I get mad at people for being “stupid” and not getting what I do get. Like they should all understand what I understand. But this just doesn’t make sense, as it should make me feel good because it seems to point out I am smart. The thing is though, I think, that when they are “stupid” in my eyes, they can’t see how “smart” I am, and so I feel like it is impossible for me to prove to them how great I am. I obviously have a big fear of being perceived as less than smart! I get so insanely pissed off when people are not capable of validating how smart I am! Which is just mirroring how insanely insecure I am, because it just doesn’t matter if I am smart or not – in fact, being smart is not even real, it is just a matter of interest in a subject and then aligning with the information that is available on that subject. So smart doesn’t even exist! And why do I care what people think, I should be feeling good on my own, regardless of what they think… I should, I should, I should… All these old beliefs coming up again…

So insecurity because I still am worried how people perceive me. When in fact all they see when they look at me is a mirror of them. Just like I see a mirror of me when I look at them…. All a reflection. So depending or wanting approval is useless, really…

I need to work on accepting the part of me that over eats… this will not resolve itself by disciplined starving – as I did 10 years ago when I lost it… I am so freaking scared… But I really have no choice. I can not accept her and continue eating and feeling ashamed. Or I can accept her and continue eating and not being ashamed. Hopefully that last part will lead to me not needing to overeat anymore, but that is not something I can put into the process, as that is the opposite of acceptance. If I truly accept that part of me I have to be good with it staying a part of me. Like with the issue of saying the wrong thing, I think it is still there, I just don’t perceive it as wrong anymore. Or maybe, once I let go of the fear of saying the wrong thing, I also stopped saying weird things. The pressure was off and so there was no need of letting out steam or exploding every once in a while. Maybe if I accept my eating habits, and release the shame, I can also release the inner pressure, and let go of the habit in itself… time will tell. I have to try though. Accepting even this part of me, the shame that sits so deeply inside of me. I have to try. I have to try.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s